February 17th, 2015

I awoke with a headache. I awoke with a pain in my neck from sleeping too long, from weird hours of sleeping. I awoke to the thought of how much I did not want to complete a fitness test in Health. I awoke to the thought of how much I desperately needed ten more hours of sleep. I awoke to the thought of how much I don’t want to live in Ocala anymore.

The first couple of thoughts when I woke up I can contribute to too late of a night with Chris, watching our brand-new obsession (The Blacklist…Netflix has taken over), and just a bit too much of White Zinfandel.

I enjoy late nights. I enjoy the comfort of a long night with a boy that has completely stolen my heart. The one that I never thought I would ever get to be with. I’m twenty and I’m in-love. More on that guy later.

The last thought is what is truly on my mind. The whole not living in Ocala thing. I’m in a landlocked small town that has watched me grow from a tiny nine pounds to a lovely young thing of twenty years. Its been a ride. I’ve had some of the best memories of my life in horse country. I’ve visited secrets spots in Ocala, showed them to others, and been hopeful to discover more. My best friends and I could have almost told you where every store in the Paddock Mall was when we were walking there every day during our time in sixth and seventh grade. The Easy Street all-nighters still sit on my heart. Meadowbrook Church still catches my eye when the sun sets over it just right.

All of these places hold intense memories for me. I have a coffee shop just minutes from downtown where every one knows my name. I’ve been coming here since 2012. My order went from frozen chai to iced everything to hot white chocolate pumpkin lattes and each barista knows what I want before I even go in. My best friend and I have had countless intense talks sitting outside on the porch watching the traffic on State Road 40 fly by. I fell deeply in-like with Chris here. I’ve written countless stories, proses, and poetry at this location. I passed College Algebra by staying glued to the light brown wooden seats.

If I moved, I’d have to search for an apartment. Or a house. I’d find a humane society and adopt a cat. Or a dog. I would be continuing my education at a new campus, one where I wouldn’t know a single soul. If I moved, I would have to find a new job. A new coffee shop. A gym. I would have to find a new slice of every thing.

The only thing I would take with me from Ocala would be my memories, and Chris. And all of my beautiful friendships. But physically, I would be stripped of normalcy. Of normal atmospheres.

But this morning, that’s all I could think about. I have a while left in Ocala. I know that. My time isn’t finished here yet. My work isn’t finished in this place yet. And that’s just fine. I’ve become very calm in the atmosphere of trust, in the lovely hands of Someone else.

I’m interested in knowing if I would still be the same social butterfly I am now, or if I would retreat and focus on myself a little bit more. Social gatherings don’t overwhelm me; I actually flourish in that type of thing. Taught by my momma how lovely community is, to always have a friend. But I wonder if I would give myself what I owe myself in taking a break from so much of the social stuff. I would give myself more of a routine. I would let myself take a day to myself instead of believing that every day I have should be devoted to carving out time for others; a lunch here, a coffee date at this time, a quick run to the grocery store together. Oh, and so many dinners. I love all of my friends, all of this community has built me, but when I say that a full schedule every week since last May has been exhausting me…I mean it.

It isn’t healthy. And I should be able to make a routine now rather than later. Let me tell you, I’m working on it.

But after a lovely weekend in Daytona Beach with Chris, I was able to fantasize about the idea of us living on the coast where A1A is just a step away from our front porch. Where we could take those long walks on the beach. Where I could run and do yoga on the beach. Where I could write in a coffee shop that faces those magical waves as they crash and crash under the flamethrower of the sun.

That’s just been my thought of the day.

Changes are in Motion

If there’s something I’ve learned since posting my last blog post, it would be that changes are coming. Change was once something that did terrify me, though at the time I don’t think I truly noticed that change was one of my weaker points. However, in the past two-three years, I’ve adapted and began to welcome the new waves of change that roll through way more often than most of us probably even realize. Way more often than I realized.

In the past month that I’ve blogged, I’ve had the pleasure of getting even closer to the precious baby girl that’s been staying in the bedroom across the hall from me. There’s something interesting and wacky and mind boggling about an only child (at 20 years old) getting a new child in the house. She’s a blessing, a handful, and quick witted. Her name is Tammara and she’s basically brightened my life. Her sweet hugs and funny jokes and weird laugh never fails to make me smile and make me all sorts of giggly.

I’ve had the peculiar vantage point of watching my parents move from one category to another. First, of course, as my parents and providers; the ones I would run to or run away from, depending on the situation. The ones that I grew up with and knew distinctly as my parents, not as Tracy and Kelly, but simply as Momma and Daddy. But then my 17th birthday hit, and I realized I was telling my mom some of the most personal information I had about myself. I realized my dad and I were having equally intelligent conversations with each other, rather than me just learning from him and his opinions.

That was my particular favorite was the friend phase and relishing in the comfort of having parents that were not only parents, but some of my best friends, as well.

We were still in that stage when Tammara came along. And we still are, for the most part. But its difficult for them to start the parenting process with Tammara again. She’s a nine year old that has switched schools in the middle of the year, who now has to try to pass the FCAT while maintaining her valuable time outside playing with her best friend across the street. My parents have had to go from a “full time parent/friend” to a twenty year old who knows the rules and understands the amount of respect and love that needs to be given in most situations that are laid in front of her, to being a “full time parent” that reminds the little one that she must brush her teeth in the morning and she must be in bed by 9 pm to be fully rested for school the next day.

I can see the hardship that my parents have been going through jumping from one role to another. And this blog is simply to commemorate for their role in my life. Their roles each have a specific and effective role in my life. I’ve learned to love, communicate, study and observe through their teachings. They taught me the foundations of life and then let me go as easily as momma birds due to their tiny ones. They taught me how to walk, run, and soar. I’ve been doing quite well. I’m still under their wings in certain ways, but I know that even that is going to be changing soon.

And I welcome it.

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The baby girl herself.