Our friendship flourished just as easily as a flower blooms in the spring afternoon, when the water is poured just right and the sun hits every inch of every petal it needs to hit. We came together like a river and a waterfall, fell in the same places and went along with the same flow.
In all honesty, the whole situation was strange. I usually wouldn’t post it online, or even really tell anyone, but the way everything worked out was so meant-to-be that there’s almost no reason not to share it.
I was in a relationship with Deep. And I cared for him very much, still do. I had compassion for him and for his quirks and likes and dislikes; his personality as a whole. We may have been made for each other lifetimes ago, or lifetimes away from now, if both of us were just slightly different. But we aren’t, we weren’t. We had a ton of passion, a good connection, but all in all, the mental connection lacked. We couldn’t just talk to talk; there had to be a reason for him, and for me that’s strange. All I do is talk; I used to get into trouble as a child for talking too much, and even though I control myself well now, I catch myself desiring to talk even during the most inappropriate times.
So, I ended it. I asked him if we could remain friends. He took it hard. I was a mess for a little while, but even in the midst of intense emotion, I knew that the decision I was making was the correct decision for us both. I realized that I was supposed to be learning from the situation; I was meant to have this relationship and experience an incredible four months with him. But I also realized that I was meant to move on. He didn’t realize that we were meant to move on; he thought it was an almost forever kind of thing. But I know that us breaking up was also for him, too. Now he is completely available to pursue his interests, his life, and the things he needs to make the best of his life. As am I.
During the midst of an intense realization with Deep, I was having sparks of interest for a gentleman named Chris. I felt guilty. I pushed away the thoughts and didn’t allow myself to feel the feelings. For good reason: I was in a relationship. Girls in relationships (guys, too) aren’t supposed to have feelings for others. But the feelings kept popping up. And like diseases, the more you ignore the signs, the sicker you get. I was feeling sick to my stomach about how much I wanted to be around Chris, and how I wasn’t nearly as excited about being in a relationship as I once was. Not simply because I had feelings for another, but because I was obviously not fully satisfied…so, my body and my feelings were finding another.
Deep was great. Chris is great. But I didn’t want the relationship to come about right after another relationship. I took it slow with Deep, made sure that I had all of my t’s crossed and my i’s dotted before I decided that it truly wasn’t right. I didn’t want to be wrong. I didn’t want the relationship that I wanted with Chris to come about in a way that wasn’t organic, something that Chris and I spoke about on numerous occasions after the break up with Deep.
When the dust settled, and tears were cleared, and talks with friends were all done; when text messages were sent, and hugs given, and promises to stay friends were promised, I knew that I probably wouldn’t be able to just wait it out.
Chris and I probably waited a good day before having our first date and coming to terms with the fact that whether we wanted this to happen right now or six months from now, it was going to happen.
That’s what I found out during this break-up: time doesn’t wait for anyone. It passes daily, momentarily. It passes and things pass. Feelings pass. My grieving process was quicker than I expected, but that just shows that growth is possible and not all of the sadness has to stay. Joy came in the morning very quickly.
Christopher and I are now in a relationship and I’m learning from him daily. From our connection daily. There is something so timeless about our connection that it feels like I’m staring into the looking glass and truly seeing then, now, and a future. We have something. We made it completely out of nothing.
I met him through the hotel that I work at. He came back from vacation, vibrant and intelligent and completely and totally adorable. That was the very first time I was meeting this Christopher Henry that was on the tip of everyone’s tongue as a sweet guy and great team leader. He came back with knowledge and we talked during every quiet moment that guests weren’t interrupting us. We studied together, I made my first B on a math test (this semester) because of him. We kayaked. We bowled. We drank too much coffee. We smiled at each other too much and flirted when we could. Seeing Chris’ name in my inbox, on the schedule, and every other way possible became something that would give me butterflies and make me smile.
I suppose my message through this all would be…relationships come to an end. Sometimes the person you’re with truly isn’t the person you’re suppose to be with. Deep treated me with respect, took care of me every way that he knew how, talked when he could, tried to be interested in my interests, and I did all of that him for him, as well. But the key portion of us that was missing was the mental connection. If there isn’t a mental connection, the physical and spiritual connections will become bland, habitual.
Break ups are hard, regardless if you’re “ready” to move on or not. The other person doesn’t really have a choice but to move on when you call it quits, so be ready for the back lash of denial and blame and anger and pain. But…the sun is so bright when it all passes.
I’m smiling and I’m hopeful that sweet Deep is, too.
It makes sense now why everything else didn’t make sense for the past four months. It makes sense why I was learning lessons, but not connecting with the situation and the soul perfectly. It makes sense.
Thank you for reading.