Draw Your Mind

Winter hasn’t started yet, but I’ve been feeling disastrously cold. I’ve felt moments slip through my fingers, just because I’m not saying what I mean. I’m not saying the things I could have said with a real tone, with an actual voice; the one my mom told me never to forsake, especially when I feel backed into a corner.

Today, this past week even, I’ve felt backed into a corner. I haven’t felt awake or alive in a while now. I’ve been grateful for every single step, but I’m tired. I’m tired of throwing it all under a rug that I can’t even see. I can’t see where all of this stuff is going, but I can tell that this rug I’m tossing it under…is connected to me, heavily.

The rug is me. I am the rug. I’ve been throwing all of these secrets under it, into myself, for quite some time. I think the only one who knew it was my best friend, but like a good poker player, she kept silent because she knew I would figure out my hand without any assistance.

Summer is at my back now; it feels so long ago, the first time. The first time we danced. The first time we kissed. The first time I admitted I liked you, but I didn’t really understand how much. I still don’t know what it all means. But I can say, I’m not fully there.

It feels as hot as the equator whenever I say something like that. Silently to myself or allowed; I just know it isn’t there. Not fully there.

I’ve thought, “with time, it’ll grow” or “maybe he’ll have the answer.” But I’m feeling so tired. This is a lot of “I” statements, I know. Fully aware, but trust me when I say he is at the fore front of my mind.

But, Ashleigh, my true self, comes first. She has to. And right now she’s crying. She’s upset and discombobulated. She isn’t sure which way is up and whether down is near or over there or if she’s already there. She feels lonely and aggravated. She feels tossed aside, and not nearly as important as she once did. She doesn’t breathe too easy in the morning and prayer has been far. Yoga hasn’t been near and writing was becoming quite difficult.

But is it what’s lacking? Or is it in her? Or both.

A Little Wednesday Night Savasana

My room is a chaotic mess of the past couple of weeks that I haven’t picked up and put away. I’ve left clothes strewn across the floor. I love leaving empty tea cups on my desk, as though they serve any type of purpose there…messy and unclean. I have a scrapbook that I’ve been meaning to get to and I really do need to vacuum.

My head has been feeling tight. I haven’t felt like running because I tightened up my back royally the last time I went running, plus all of these eight hour shifts of being on my feet haven’t been helping the tightness. And really, who has time to stretch anymore?

Well, before I was going to allow myself to do yoga, I wanted to clean my room. I wanted everything to be perfect, and neat, and orderly. Then I glanced at the clock and realized I had two choices: clean and go to sleep, or do yoga and go to sleep. I didn’t really have a good amount of time to do both if I wanted to get a decent night’s sleep.

Amongst clean clothes, books on the floor, and filled-to-the-brim bags that I took on my latest trip to Orlando, sat I on a yoga mat. I could just feel my soul calming at the tangible feeling of the yoga mat beneath my legs. My mind was clearing; it wasn’t so disastrously loud as it has been for the past couple of days.

Instead, I relinquished the negativity energy with every inhale and exhale. I sat amongst the chaos and found an hour of peace with pigeon poses and deep hip stretches that I wasn’t aware I could still do (since my yoga practice has been slim to none since I started working at the hotel).

I had my candle warmer on, burning two different tarts that made it feel like fall was right in my room. Just in case you would like to know, I mixed strudel&spice with pumpkin caramel pie; it’s divine. My salt lamp was on and you can bet that my strand of white Christmas lights were twinkling as my main source of light.

The choice was a good choice; the choice to do something well for my body. When I get really busy or all of my vegetables brown quicker than I can actually eat them, I throw wasteful food in my body. And it truly affects me; processed and sugary and full of caffeine, I don’t succeed. I need a balanced meal to fully grasp life and do well in it. Along with bad food comes the guilt of not doing something physically well for my body, but I think to myself, “I don’t have the sustainable energy in my body to do the work out, anyways, since I ate this and that today.”

This is a promise to myself: to try. To try as hard as possible to get yoga in and to pick and choose what I feed myself daily. Every meal is a new opportunity to show my body that it truly is a temple. Every yoga session is a new opportunity to show my body what I can do with my temple.

Be blessed. Give grace as though you’re giving it to yourself. And namaste, always.

Splurgin’

I had a period in my lifetime when I slicked on a large amount of foundation (at quite a young age) because I thought that’s what growing up meant. I thought that to look like a lady you had to have caked on make-up with a ton of eyeshadow and a loud lip gloss.

I was way wrong. However, I did splurge a little bit this past week when I decided to buy a lipstick that had a name and a shade to die for, along with a replacement eyeliner because my eyeliner officially developed it’s full legs and walked casually out of my purse.

A friend of mine with a sweet smile and the loveliest spirit, Taylar, is a Mary Kay consultant. Although, MK is quite popular and usually shut down the moment it is mentioned, please, just wait a moment.

I’m plugging into MK because they have gorgeous shades of lipstick for the upcoming fall season. My favorite part about this line is that the lipstick stays on. I forgot to put on chapstick the first time I applied it, but it still stayed on for hours later. I finally did a touch up about four hours after I put it on. Quite pleased. I didn’t have to touch up the eyeliner at all!

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Thankful for sweet ladies like Taylar. Send her a message. She’s ready to provide you with impeccable service and get you some goodies!

Taylar’s website: marykay.com/tward

And, of course, here is some proof of the great products I purchased from Tay!

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