Winter hasn’t started yet, but I’ve been feeling disastrously cold. I’ve felt moments slip through my fingers, just because I’m not saying what I mean. I’m not saying the things I could have said with a real tone, with an actual voice; the one my mom told me never to forsake, especially when I feel backed into a corner.
Today, this past week even, I’ve felt backed into a corner. I haven’t felt awake or alive in a while now. I’ve been grateful for every single step, but I’m tired. I’m tired of throwing it all under a rug that I can’t even see. I can’t see where all of this stuff is going, but I can tell that this rug I’m tossing it under…is connected to me, heavily.
The rug is me. I am the rug. I’ve been throwing all of these secrets under it, into myself, for quite some time. I think the only one who knew it was my best friend, but like a good poker player, she kept silent because she knew I would figure out my hand without any assistance.
Summer is at my back now; it feels so long ago, the first time. The first time we danced. The first time we kissed. The first time I admitted I liked you, but I didn’t really understand how much. I still don’t know what it all means. But I can say, I’m not fully there.
It feels as hot as the equator whenever I say something like that. Silently to myself or allowed; I just know it isn’t there. Not fully there.
I’ve thought, “with time, it’ll grow” or “maybe he’ll have the answer.” But I’m feeling so tired. This is a lot of “I” statements, I know. Fully aware, but trust me when I say he is at the fore front of my mind.
But, Ashleigh, my true self, comes first. She has to. And right now she’s crying. She’s upset and discombobulated. She isn’t sure which way is up and whether down is near or over there or if she’s already there. She feels lonely and aggravated. She feels tossed aside, and not nearly as important as she once did. She doesn’t breathe too easy in the morning and prayer has been far. Yoga hasn’t been near and writing was becoming quite difficult.
But is it what’s lacking? Or is it in her? Or both.